


The Court's Decision

by BadgeringAbout



Category: Merchant of Venice - Shakespeare
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4900450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadgeringAbout/pseuds/BadgeringAbout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when you and your friend get a lil bit too enthusiastic about a literature assignment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For Padfoot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also PLEASE don't think my friend and I actually write like this- we did this thing in My Immortal form, we're not literally this stupid

“Where te frick is Antonio????” asked Shylock.

“Eh he;s comng soon or smth.” said the Duke. The Duke rolled his eyes. Shylock was always so moody in October because everyone was drinking PSLs and he was allegic to pumpkin.

Shylok made pterodactyl noises and then Anto walked in all swag.

“Swiggity swag dang noodle the merchant is in the house bitchessss.” Shouted antonio.

The Duke applauded. “Where is the lawyer person.” He whispered to his chicken. His chicken said “bok bok.”

“Enter lawyer persno!!!11!!” The duke shouted. 

Portia and Nerissa entered but no one knew it was them bc they were wearing Rare Pepe masks and griffindor robes. 

“Hail o’ Rare PEPe!!!s!!111!!” Shouted Gratiano who is really annoying.

“Okay so whatever shut tf up Gratzino.” Portia said. “Shylock is that ur name yes?”

Shylock said “ye, das me.” and made a peace sign with his hand.

“OK so the law says ye bro go ahead take ur flesh do it rn.” siad portia.

“Pepe ur so smart k i will tak the flesh.” Said shylock.

Bassanio walked up to Antonio and said “Holla if u need me. i will miss u my gay lover.”

Antonio cryed and said “woman im lord of the rings.”

“BUt WAiT!!!!!111!!” Shouted portia. “Ther is MOAR.”

“Lolol what now pepe.” Shylock laughed haha.

“Ur actually doin som illegal sh*t rn sorry im gonna have to take away errything u own lmao.”Portia swagged.

Shylock fainted and then melted through the floor.

“right well oka case closed also Bass fish i need your ring.” Portia swagged again bc she is literally so fucken swaggy.

“But i dont wanna.” Bass fish whined.

Portia pulled out a stick of silver and threatened it at him. “Bro if u dot i will fuk u up i kno u have an allergy to silver.” 

“Holi shet okay take it.” Bassoon jumped.

“AlrightyO ppl lets gOOO!” Portia shouted and they left.

Antonio and bassanio had gay sex and then Bassano left for ports house.

Portia and Nerissa loled a lot and also hd secsy times and then waited 4 their husbadns to get back.  
the end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the complete, unedited version of what Amy, my partner in crime, wrote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the previous copy that i published was accidentally cropped

Important merchant of Venice stuff  
Act 1 scene 1  
Anton is sadness, he is not sure if it is because he forgot about his tea an now tit is cold or because salami and celery are bitchin to hime. "You juts hav to chil man," said celery,"even tho ur hole life is in ur ships which are like frgil butterflys lol," salami laughed witbh him it was funi joke. "But what u rely need is som chicks, little fluff babe chicken u no? They relllu lighen up the mood." Said salami who had a lot of chicks, even some ducklings. He had even give one to the judge guy. 

Suddenly bassnanaio appers,"helo my gay lovr gimme som moneiii so I can woo an ladi who is apperenly reather gud lukin an an reeellllly ritch bitch" he yelled very loud. Salami and celery saw they weren't needed and quickly grabbed their ramen and left the room. Antone didn fel so sand anymor. "I will do anythin for you," he swagged. Bananaio licked a ramen noodle off the ground and said,"oh my lord Ty, but i must do some relly gay shit on the bed first." Banan ion and Antonoo jumped on the bed and it was really fun, but then it was serious becaus an ant rembrers thet heis moeui is at sea on the ships! "Oh no," he said. Bassinoninoee said, "waht" antoni esplained real quick and banana said"damn hommie that's some real shit, but it's okay becus I kno a dued who really hates us that can gibe us money," "oh gud" said ant ino before havin some really secy time with babansio.

 

Act 1 scene 2  
Portia stared boredly into the sky. She often wondered what the white fluffy things were. "Okay so what the fuck." She said suddenly. Nerissa stared at her, "wot". "What are those stupid white things omg they look like...well...I dunno really ugly sheep." Nerissa sighs,"they're clouds, water vapor" Portia looks at Nerissa as if she'd spoken Chinese, and she had spoken Chinese, Nerissa always answers the cloud question in Chinese, what a bitch. "Well I can't even choose a husband, let alone understand your cryptic-ness." "Well let's make fun of people then" said Nerissa. Portia made a constipation face. "Okau..." "Good okay say something about that one, yeah Neapolitan ice cream dude." Portia thought about dogs for a second and then looked at icecream guy. "He looks like...a giANT NERD!!!!!!" They both laughed hysterically. They made fun of all the other ones too. Then icecream guy spoke!!! "Hey you know we can all hear you?" Portia squinted at him. "No you can't because I'm cooler than you." "Oh," said icecream man, he was feeling really awkward because he wore undies that were too small, so he left the room.

Act 3 scene 2  
Portia stares lovingly into bassanios eyes, they are looking at the lead casket. Portia and Bassanio have never spoken or talked except for five minute before he choose to try his luck at the caskets. But he's white and she loves him, 'it's love at first sight or something like that' she thinks. Bassanio looked at the caskets one gold one silver and one lead. He stayed away from the silver one because he had a funny allergy to that, and to be honest he really didn't like the gold casket at all because he couldn't help but notice that it was slightly off symmetrical. His eyes were on the lead casket 'think of all the things you could put in there' he sighed. He had a horrible 'addiction' to lead, like a lead fetish or something. He just loved it so much, he wished Portia looked a bit more like lead does. If he won, he'd be able to keep the lead casket and put his collection of other random lead things in it. Portia's mind was running wild. She though Bassanio was the bom.com. She was a little bit racist but that was unimportant she was thinking about what dog Bassanio would be,'hmm- a Labrador maybe? Mm- no more of a German Shepard?’ The list goes on. But finally after making a long speech about each casket ( to make it look like he wasn't going to choose the lead casket all along ) Bassanio placed a hand on the lead casket. Maybe if he was wrong he could just grab it and run, he was already placing the other hand slightly under it as he unlocked it, just in case. He opened it and found a selfie, apparently of Portia. "Wow," he says out loud,"that's one nice selfie, I always delete mine lol" Portia giggles, she didn't know he was also good at jokes. Bassanio took one more look at the lead casket before reading out the scroll that was with the selfie.  
"Dude, your an absolute bro if you chose this casket, lead is the bomb diggity dog. I always wanted my daughter to have a man in her life who liked lead as much as I did.  
Also, I guess you can marry my daughter now, you can like, kiss her or I dunno what you crazy kids are up to nowadays. Mostly because I'm dead but hey look on the bright side, my lead casket goes to someone who deserves it.  
Okay peace out.   
Portia's sick swag daddy."  
Portia gets out her phone and takes a snapchat really quick titled "me & da bæ bout 2 get mariiiied" and they do, and there's some stuff about a ring but Bassanio isn't really interested because it isn't made of lead but he also wants to show Antonio all his cool new lead things but he gets a super bummer iMessage sayin that Antonios gonna die because some kid he bullied in highschool is now suing him so he can get his money back and feed his family. Oh wait no his daughter got taken or something PLOT TWISYt and now he wants to kill Antonio and eat him because a piece of paper he has from highschool says "dude I'll give you my meat l8r" it's really awkward because everyone is laughing because it didn't really mean what he thought it meant, but Shylock is super serious and showing it to everyone poor bro.


End file.
